things you didnt know existed

Carrot Sharpener

Another food fight turned homicide thanks tocarrot-stakes.

Your recipe calls for some sharpened carrot-spears? Put down the knife you barbarian, there’s a culinary tool made specifically to sharpen said carrots. Someone has finally heard the populace lamenting and decided to create a giant pencil sharpener and called it a Carrot Sharpener. Brilliant as this may be, we’ll stick to stuffing our carrots into the electric pencil sharpeners at the office.

Carrot Sharpener

Pepper Spray iPhone Case

Irritate some serious cornea and upload to instagram, all in onemotion!

Protect your phone from cracks and protect yourself from crackheads with the Pepper Spray iPhone Case. Its beautifully incorporated design makes it easy to forget that you’re toting around a high caliber non-lethal self-defense weapon. You could theoretically pack your bag with diamonds and tuna and stroll around the worst neighborhoods or the most bear-infested forests without a worry on your mind.

Pepper Spray iPhone Case

Gold Plated Vacuum Cleaner

This 24 kt gold plated cleaning apparatus is worth a cool million dollars. It has its own rap song. If you need any more convincing (which I doubt you do, if you listened to the rap song) it offers free shipping. Now I know what the pessimists out there are thinking: “The person who can afford this wouldn’t vacuum their own floors.” Well, let me tell you this: we, the uber-rich, don’t think like you peasants. If it was your money, you would likely buy something silly like the Arizona Cardinals. Although they do suck, they won’t pick up the tiger fur from your Persian rug.

Gold Plated Vacuum Cleaner 

Mystery Box

Why put effort and thought into gettingmeaningful gifts for your loved ones when you could simply get them a Mystery Box?

If your gift exchanges are anything like mine, everyone just trades off lame gift certificates and socks year after year. Your chance to shake things up and be a Christmas rock star is here. You’ll be kicking any event into overdrive when you hand over this Mystery Box. It’s  filled to the brim with hand-picked goodies from Firebox. With this gift, you’re giving so much more than justthings though, you’re giving mystery, you’re giving the fidgety suspense, the giddy uncertainty, the face-pulling anxiety. Rest assured that if somehow the recipient is a douche-Hitler-hybrid and hates the contents, you’re off the hook because you didn’t know what was in there either. That hiccup will be forgotten within a fortnight however and the only thing that’ll be remembered will be your audacity and courage for giving such an intrepid gift.

Mystery Box

Anatomically Correct Sweater

I could have sworn we had intestinessomewhere in there… but I’m no doctor.

Whether you plan on wearing it for Halloween or for the big biology test, this sweatshirt will make you the talk of the town. All the science majorswill surely clamor around you when you show off your vital organs on this finely-knit crew neck sweater. The only downside we can think of is that the jocks now know exactly where to aim to punch you in the kidney.

Anatomically Correct Sweater

Remote Controlled Insects

I know you’re already thinking of mounting a camera on this thing… perverts.

This tiny lovable bug is sure to amuse you for hours. Inspired by the movement and characteristics of an insect, it can creep up on yourloved ones from the ground or the air. These Remote Controlled Insects are so life-like that the people you torment might actually have the reaction to stomp the fuck out of them – repeatedly! Imagine the laughs you’ll share when you explain that it was a hi-tech gadget that they just pulverized… oh, and that they owe you 40 bucks.

Remote Controlled Insects 

LifeStraw Personal Water Filter

Drink from a swamp or your toilet, the lifestraw doesn’t leave any strange flavors behind.

Bear Grylls has demonstrated that you can stay hydrated in the bush by extracting bitter squirts of brown juice from cow dung. That’s not hydration though, that’s showing off – and we’re not impressed. The prepared survivalist can calmly sip on a bladder-bursting 1000 liters ofpurified water with the LifeStraw Personal Water Filter. This portable device will instantly turn a puddle of mud into your very own refreshing oasis of hydration.

Chocolate Whiskey

Being a chocoholic can’t possibly be a problem, it sounds so adorable!

Sure we built rocket ships, created the internet and invented bacon condoms, but what humanity has really been struggling with throughout history is combining alcohol and chocolate in a convincingly delicious way. I suppose we came up with tiny liquor-infused chocolates a while back but to get a decent buzz you’d need to eat hundreds, maybe even thousands. Well, we did it guys. Chocowhiskey is real. You can direct your thank you letters to Italy’s premiere booze-scientists for creating a drink so delicious you’ll feel like you’re getting wasted on melted Hershey’s Kisses.